Why cheerleaders live happily ever after

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Last summer when my brother was getting married, I inundated him with the science of happily married couples. I wanted to give him a guide to not making the mistakes I had made. My “best woman” toast was very nearly a litany of advice.

It was a bit much for him. “Why would I listen to my DIVORCED sister when it comes to managing my marriage?” he once teased, trying (in vain) to shut me up.

Well, given what I’ve learned about happy marriages, I think there a few good reasons to listen to me-more on that in a minute-but first, I gotta be straight with you: I was not particularly good at being married the first time around. I picked a terrific person-my ex-husband is a great guy-who was totally wrong for me in just about all the ways that count.

Enthusiastic Spouses Have Happy Marriages

I try to practice what I preach, and that means practicing some things that I definitely haven’t mastered yet (like using non-controlling language when I ask my kids to do things).

This is how people get good at things: They challenge themselves to the point of failure. Athletes do it. Entrepreneurs do it. Personally, I’m working on being a gold-medal parent and spouse. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t lost some races along the way. I made a few key mistakes in the ten years I was married to my children’s father, from which I’ve learned a lot.

Everything I write about is based not on my opinion, or even my experience, but on what scientific studies tell us. I’m still amazed by how insular academia is; there is so much great research out there that doesn’t make its way into real people’s lives-except for you, because you are reading this blog. And I’m about to reveal some good stuff.

So here begins a series on how to improve your romantic relationship during this month of love. Continue reading « But the main reason to take my relationship advice is that it really isn’t MY advice »